robert xu


sometimes we don't get to do things on our own terms.

for all the freedom that we have, sometimes the things i want to do get preempted by something else more important, or a discovery that someone else has made has forced me to react in another way. things like secrets coming to light, or sudden issues in the family, etc.

for all the planning that can go into things like these, it still never fails to surprise me when all of it goes out the window in a split second and you just have to react and hope it doesn't make things worse.

two weeks ago, i gave one of those secrets out after a pointed question that was very definitely probing for that secret. it was unplanned, sloppy, and two weeks on, is still having resonating effects on all affected parties.

it's not a harmful secret; it's just a personal one that i kept close to me because it was part of me. but it's been forced out and my anxiety has shot through the roof. some days it's just hard for me to think.

on the one hand, i had planned for this eventuality. people with these secrets usually don't get the luxury of revealing them on their own time. they're usually stuck debating what the best scenario is to reveal these secrets and what the ideal location, time, people to know would be. it usually never goes to plan, either. i had anticipated it, and so when it happened, i felt numb for the first 24 hours and then recovered afterwards.

but the resonating effects is spreading beyond who knows now – and a secret is a secret if you don't tell anyone. but it's been told. all i can do is brace myself for the eventuality and prepare for the worst.

i'll survive though. hopefully.